(With Apologies To Jonathan Swift)
Our nation is in CRISIS and the old way of doing bizness got us here! Gumment, more than anything else, is the bad guys because gumment steals the money from people who earned it and give it to lazy, shiftless, useless people who should be put to work. Unless we go back to what our Old Testament Founding Fathers siad we'll become the nation of Babylon and fall from grace. So here are a few modest proposals to make Uh-Mur-Uh-Kuh great again.
1) Get rid of the minimum wage. Why do we gotta go though all the expense of shipping companies overseas for cheap labor when we can have 'em work cheap here?
B) Repeal the 14th amendment that says ALL public debt must be repaid. Sure we gotta pay them Chinese and the Saudi princes the money we owe them, but screw the losers who need Social Security. We could get the $3 Trillion Trust Fund and immediately get RICH AS HELL. The elderly don't need $$$ 'cause they don't create jobs spending $$$ on food and shelter and health care. The rich people need it for a tax cut to invest in China or gamble with on Wall Street.
next) Since only rich people create jobs we should eliminate taxes on the rich. We can fool the stoopid regular people by telling 'em how "unfair" it is for gumment to steal rich peoples' money just 'cause they're rich. Then we can make the stoopid people pay the difference in higher fees, state taxes, and local taxes.
D) Lots of jobs are lost here because rashunal and reasonable corporations would rather do bizness where they can dump everything in the water and air. Why go thru the cost of sendin' them jobs over there when we can just get rid of the Clean Water Act, the Pure Food and Drug Act, and the EPA. They all cost us good paying jobs (see #1 above)
5) Get rid of the 17th amendment where people elect senators for each state. Stoopid people keep electing senators that promise people stuff. Instead we could have smoke filled rooms in each state where just the good people get to choose senators that'll tell stoopid people what to do. While we are at it, let's get rid of the 11th amendment that has the electoral college try to be democratic. We need to go back to the first coupla presidential elections where state assemblies choose a few rich and powerful men to sit behind closed doors and pick who our fuhrer - oops, I mean president is.
6) Get rid of all them stoopid programs that teach kids socialist values like food stamps, AFDC, and health care for children. Instead we should be teaching them the value of WORK! Get rid of the minimum wage and put them to work to learn family values! Their little hands can do all that miniturizing work that them Japs and Oriental like little hands do over there.
7) Let's scream about the Interstate Commerce Clause of the constitution for awhile. Let's scream 'bout how they destroy bizness by regalatingizing the biznesses and driving up costs. Tell everbody that we need to put power back to them 48 states. Then when some panzy-assed queer state like California tries to regalationize bizness we can say that's unconstitutional 'cause it violates the constitutions Interstate Commerce Clause. KILL federal regalations and then change the word that 50 different sets of regalshuns would be stoopid. They won't remember what we told 'em before.
8) Bring back them rules to keep all those useless people from voting. Property requirements, religious requirements, poll taxes, and literacy tests are all good ideas. Hell, why should people be allowed to vote if all they're good for is to provide cheap labor and pay taxes? (Besides, it's funny when good white people get to vote after spelling K-A-T and them darkies gotta recite the Bible from creation to Armageddon to vote.)
9) Unions, consumer groups, and especially civil lawsuits by stoopid poor people are all anti-business. We want a free market unless it involves negotiating fur labor, or paying the REAL cost of doing bidness. Havin' them people shoot their lazy, soculist mouths off just makes it harder to do bidness and we can't have that!
next to last) All them death camps that FEMA has ready to put good people in who believe in the constitushun ( except the 11th, 12th, 13th, 14th, 15th, 16th, 17th, 18th, 19th, 20th, 21st, 22nd, 23rd, 24th, 25th and them others, the Interstate commurce klause, the writ of habeas corpse ass, the rights to do process and such) should be turned around to put all them anti-Americans people in. Hell ALL of Massachusetts, New York City, and San Francisca orta be rounded up immediately. That'll create a lot of jobs fer good ole Americans like me.
10 or 14 or something) The nation orta change its name to the Confederate States of America since we shoulda won that war but them yankees brought in illegal immigrants to fight their battles and gave guns to them darkies who under the constitution weren't even people! Beside, the flag is purtier.
finaly) I wanna be made Gauliter of Mudgump County and get to wear a fancy uniform and be a big shot and important and stuff...(I already got my night uniform of pure white and a hood)
Henry Himmler,
Tea Party Success & American Action Committee
East Beaver Lick, Mudgump County, Alabama, The righteous Confederate States of America
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